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Dating.
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Practicing law.
Saving for culinary school.
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archives
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Monday, January 01, 2007
Saturday, November 04, 2006
And If You Don't Know, Now You Know Nigga
I started my new job a few weeks ago and I like it a lot. I'm getting great assignments, being treated well, and managing to spend every penny of my enormous raise. My new bosses use collar stays and speak with words I have to look up. I feel like I'm running with the big dogs again.
Last week I was making a cup of tea in the kitchen and talking to the staff members who were all coming and going. I somehow got on a rant about how I hated M&M's.
Yesterday when I came back from lunch, I had an anonymous note on my desk with a "fun size" bag of M&M's that said, "Why don't you give them another try... 'fun size'".
Remember: be ye not so stupid.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
We Don't Cause Trouble, We Don't Bother NobodyI've decided to write my final post in the form of an FAQ.
What the Fuck?
Back in July, I was fired from my law firm.
They told me that I was being let go because I missed a minor deadline while on vacation. (For the patent attorneys: I failed to respond to a PCT Invitation to Pay Fees.) Someone else filed it for me. It was something so minor and so ridiculous that I'm pretty sure nobody has ever been fired for it ever in the history of patent law. It's a lot like saying, "We're letting you go because you left your computer on overnight."
This came less than one week after my mid-year review, during which the partnership told me that my work had been improving lately and they were "optimistic about [my] future at the firm."
After my firing, I went into a partner's office -- a partner I was pretty close with and think is a decent guy -- and asked him why I was fired. He said, "I can't tell you."
Dooced? Probably. I did have a shitty attitude, but I was billing way over the firm minimum. And if my attitude was that bad, why didn't they fire me at my mid-year review? Why wait until a week later?
They offered me two months of severance pay if I agreed to sign something saying that I wouldn't say anything bad about the firm and I wouldn't sue the firm. I signed that fucker, shut down the blog, and took two months off with the pile of money.
A week after they fired me, they gave out a new employee handbook. The only revision: they added a paragraph prohibiting employees from talking about the firm on a web site.
Didn't you blog at your other firm?
I used to blog when I was at a biglaw firm. One day, the managing partner of that firm called me into his office and asked me to shut it down. I did. It was the only time we ever spoke. The blog has gotten me in trouble before, but it was handled with the utmost civility. If this firm had asked me to shut it down, I would have.
What now?
I started my new job last week and I like it a lot. I cannot blog because I need to keep this job. If someone would like to pay off my student loans (currently 50K), I can guarantee one post per day for the next five years. Also, I'll go down on you.
What about culinary school?
This may come as a shock, but I actually enjoy being an attorney most days. I joke about joining the army, working at Wendy's, or wrestling professionally, but being a patent attorney is a pretty sweet gig.
Are you really writing a book?
Sadly, yes. It's just about as bad as this blog, but I am enjoying writing it. I'm not sure how a publishing company will handle words like "analingus," but we'll find out. I'll try to keep it out of the title.
Why come back for one week?
I wanted to write an epilogue to the blog explaining what really happened. I also wanted to emphasize Dooce's famous quote: "BE YE NOT SO STUPID." Blogging is fun, but it's a dangerous game.
Why don't you just start another blog under a new name?
I'm pretty sure you can google "springform pan" +"fun size" +"patent attorney" +"cock ring" and I wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
That said, I'll probably do it anyway.
May you all find peace and happiness, and may much of your sex be oral.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
I've Been Everywhere, ManThe top question I have been getting lately is, "Hey Fresh, what the fuck have you been doing all summer?"
So here's what I did on my summer vacation:
- Went to Graceland. Found myself giggling at the King's grave.
- Went to the Yogi Berra Museum.
- Ate a Fat Darrell.
- Got nauseous at the Mutter Museum.
- Baked 12 tarts, 3 cakes, 2 souffles, and a hell of a lot of cookies.
- Went to the American Folk Art Museum. Saw the baby blanket made out of condom wrappers.
- Saw the Dixie Chicks in NYC. Saw the Girl happy.
- Saw a show at the Grand Ole Opry. Didn't get the jokes.
- Went to the Country Music Hall of Fame. Cursed about the diminutive size of the Willie Nelson exhibit.
- Went to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. Thanked God I am a Yankee fan.
- Tried to swim from Pennsylvania to New Jersey in the Delaware Water Gap. Realized I am not a good swimmer.
- Got my money's worth out of my season pass to the nude beach.
- Took a motorcycle safety course. Bought motorcycle and proceeded to ignore everything I learned.
- Saw a Yankees game and a Staten Island Yankees Game.
- Went to the U.S. Open and enjoyed a 9-dollar beer.
- Saw Oscar Peterson live. Gasped.
- Took my mother to see Snakes on a Plane.
- Saw the Farmer's Museum. Realized that the Girl is scared of chickens.
- Helped my cousin renovate his kitchen. Currently preparing black lung lawsuit.
- Went to Cooter's Dukes of Hazzard Museum. Cried tears of joy.
- Your sister.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Who's Bad?I went on a trip to the client's house to find documents. I took a bunch of documents back to the firm.
I discovered a bad document. Bad meaning bad, not bad meaning good. Bad meaning it could sink our entire lawsuit.
I brought it to the partner. He agreed that it was bad. Together, we brought it to the big man.
The big man's name is on the door, the letterhead, and my paychecks. The big man doesn't get involved in the case, but this document was so bad, we ended up in his office.
The door was closed. He looked at the bad document. The only three people on earth who knew that bad document existed were in that office. The firm has the case on contingency, meaning that this bad document would cost the other two people in that room about 2 million dollars each.
Bad.
He took off his glasses, rubbed his eyes, and looked at me.
A million things were running through my head. What could he say to me, the associate who inadvertently -- but honestly -- found a document that cost him a fortune?
He smiled at me and said, "I'm sorry, what is your name?"
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Can I Hit It And Quit?I think James Brown is my favorite artist to listen to while driving. You don't have to sing along with James if you don't want to. You can just agree with James. You can just give James permission. You don't need a good singing voice to do that.
"Yeah, let's hit it like we did on the top."
Friday, September 08, 2006
I Have Seen the Land BeyondToday I had lunch at Jean Georges in Columbus Circle.
I've always been an enthusiast of French cuisine and Jean Georges himself, but I had never actually been to his flagship restaurant until today. I actually face Jean Georges five times a day to pray to the gastronomy gods.
I ordered two desserts. When the waiter asked how they were, I said, "I have seen the face of God."
The food at Jean Georges was so amazing that it humbled me: I realized that I am a decent cook but I have a long way to go before I can create such incredibly layered food.
Strangely, it was a feeling I've never experienced relating to my legal career.
Yesterday I took my motorcycle to Williams-Sonoma. I walked in with my leather jacket on, holding my helmet. There were no other patrons in the store. There were two clerks working at the time. They both looked up at me, and went right back to what they were doing without saying a word.
It was the first time in my life that nobody in Williams-Sonoma greeted me or asked me if I needed help.
I thought, "Hey, I wonder if this is what it feels like to be black."
But then I went to the U.S. Open last night, so the feeling was fleeting.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Steady As She GoesI was on a job interview last month at a big company. I asked the interviewer during lunch when was the last time that the company had laid anyone off.
He said, "What day is it?"
When he laughed, I expressed my concern.
He said, "It's funny, we actually laid off our CIO last week. But don't worry about it, the company doesn't lay off lawyers. Last year we laid off 3,000 people -- and we're only a company of about 15,000 employees -- but not one attorney was laid off. If you look closely at the company's sign on the side of the highway, we had to replace a few of the tiles in the sign because somebody came in the middle of the night and blasted the sign with a shotgun."
I didn't take the job.
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The Girl and I are still going strong. On a typical night, we like to spend a good two or three hours deciding where to have dinner.
On Tuesday night, she reached frustration.
Girl: Ok, how about you tell me what you're not in the mood for?
Fresh: Ok, cock.
Girl: What?
Fresh: Cock, I don't want cock for dinner. Other than cock, I'll eat anything. Thai, pizza, and falafel are all fine. I just don't want cock.
Girl: ...
So last night I cooked dinner. Nobody argues over peach soufflé.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
They Know Me, I Ain't Gotta Say Where I Been
I was late getting to my mother's house last night.
It's harder than I thought to properly strap a Tart Tatin to the back of a Harley. Somehow, I don't think it's a problem anybody has faced before.
I would like to expound my opinion on why Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina" is one of the best songs ever made.
The song starts with Tone in a bar failing to hook up. He notices that some loser is getting a lot of women. The loser tells Tone that he uses a love potion called "Funky Cold Medina" that makes women love him.
What is the first thing Tone does when this stranger gives him this fantastic love potion? Tone gives it to his dog. The dog then humps Tone's leg. This would not be my first choice for the usage of the love potion.
In verse 3, Tone uses the Medina with an attractive woman he meets at a bar that turns out to be a man in drag. Contrast this to today's rap songs: rappers today brag about how many women they sleep with, and here's Tone saying that he found a man in drag attractive.
Despite being in possession of this fantastic love potion that draws women to him, Tone then decides to go on Love Connection in verse 4. He doesn't go to the strip club or to the college library, he goes on a game show where he will meet ONE woman. He takes his date to the Hilton.
The Hilton?
His date then starts talking about planning a wedding with Tone, presumably because the Medina was a little too strong. Tone said that she moved too fast so he ditched her.
Now, I would think that he would have had sex with the girl who discusses the wedding. The whole song is about Tone's failure to copulate, why wouldn't he take her to a room and have sex with her? Isn't that the only reason that men talk about wedding plans anyway?
At the end of the song, I'm still confused as to who is supposed to drink the Medina. The guy who gives the Medina to Tone says that the Medina should go "in your glass;" this is not a song about slipping drugs to women. But when Tone gives it to his dog, the dog humps Tone's leg. Wouldn't giving the Medina to the dog make Tone want to hump the dog?
Let's review. Tone gets magical love potion, uses it with (1) his dog, (2) a man in drag, and (3) a willing woman that he ditches. In the Hilton.
Lest we get too caught up in the lyrics of the song, let us not forget the heavy breathing over the music, the Foreigner sample, and the part where Tone says "break it down" and almost nothing happens. And there may be cowbell involved.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
A Word to the Thick Soul Sistas: I Wanna Get With YaI brought the Jeep to one of those sleazy auto repair shops on the West Side this morning. As they conducted the inspection, I stood on the corner of 26th and 10th and enjoyed a cigarette.
A model walked by. It seemed like a strange neighborhood for a model, but then a few more walked by.
During the twenty-minute inspection, I spotted about 50 models, with about 40 exposed midriffs, 30 cigarettes, and not one breast.
When I paid, I asked the attendant where they were coming from. He said, "There's a modeling agency across the street. Pretty great, right?"
I said, "Not really. Call me when they audition the Lane Bryant models."
I bought a Harley last month.
At the dealership, I took a break to use the men's room while filling out the paperwork. I noticed that the sink had not only soap, but also a large pump of Vaseline intensive care moisturizing lotion.
When I told the salesman that I found it strange for a Harley dealership to have lotion on the sink -- considering that most of the patrons look like they don't even use soap -- he informed me that many of their patrons need the lotion for their new tattoos and find it convenient.
I said, "Is that what it was for? I had no idea. I totally used it to masturbate while I was in there."
Friday, July 07, 2006
I'm Sad To Say I Must Be On My WayI'm taking a hiatus from blogging.
I actually got something published a few weeks ago. It was small, but I was proud of it. It was printed on paper with my real name on it.
Of course, this led me to the delusion that I should start writing for real. I hate bloggers who think they are writers and now I hate myself.
I recently saw footage of Bukowski talking about his ten years of working at the post office. He said it was "pure hell" and he didn't have time to write. He also became an alcoholic. I saw a lot of myself in that footage of Hank. Writing may be the only way I can get away from lawyers. I need to give it a shot for my own sanity.
So I'll leave you with a little story featuring my two favorite things: dessert and cunnilingus.
When I was in law school, I traveled to New Orleans. I had a pecan praline for the first time. A praline is essentially a pile of pecans encased in a melted sugar shell. I decided that when I returned to law school, I was going to learn how to make these.
The recipe was deceptively simple: 1 cup brown sugar, 1 cup sugar, 1/2 cup cream, 2 tbsp butter, 2 cups pecans, and 1/2 tsp vanilla. Add all ingredients to pot, bring to 260 degrees, and ladle out on to foil.
The first time I made pralines, I just turned the heat to high and kept stirring. The bottom of the pan burned before the mixture reached hardball. It was a disaster.
After a few more tries, I realized that making pralines is a lot like cunnilingus. You need medium heat, not high heat. The slower you raise that heat, the better off the final product will be. In the middle of the process, stirring that pot gets hot and sometimes quite uncomfortable, but you need to resist the urge to rush the project. Never go above medium heat. Patience.
So next time you're going down on your lover, remember the lesson of the pralines. And think of me.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
One That Makes Me Fell Like I Feel When I'm With YouI was discussing the changes in my firm with the firm librarian.
He said, "I'll be fine as long as I keep doing the drugs that I'm doing."
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Wash All My Sins AwayYesterday in Tower Records, the clerk asked me for ID when I offered him my credit card.
I said, "Do you really think someone would steal a credit card to buy two Oscar Peterson CDs?"
He replied, "You'd be surprised. Last week some guy came in here with a stolen card and tried to buy a hundred dollars worth of gospel CDs."
Monday, July 03, 2006
To Show You Where I Come From
Fresh: The desserts here suck, let's go somewhere else for dessert.
Girl: Where should we go?
Fresh: Well, you look like you're in the mood for a protein shake.
Girl: Oh YES! We're going to Smoothie King?
Fresh: Ah... ok.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Saturday, July 01, 2006
My Body is a Wonderland
Yesterday I discovered that I live less than an hour from a nude beach. I don't see how I'll ever go to work again.
It was my first time at a nude beach. Here are some tips I picked up:
- Use lots of sunblock
- Use spray sunblock. Rubbing lotion on your genitals in front of hundreds of naked people is no fun, and everyone else on the beach had spray sunblock.
- The hot girls show up after noon. At 8:30 am, you'll be surrounded by old people.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
No Need to Worry, My Accountant Handles That
When I told my mother that I was packing up my computer, she looked at me with big, sad eyes and said, "How am I supposed to shop online?"
So I left my computer with her and bought a new one. And THAT, my friends, is why I am going to heaven.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Fuck the Presents, Might as Well Throw Them OutMy younger brother and his girlfriend of over three years have decided to break up. They have been living together for a year and they're both moving to new places next month, which means that they have to divide everything they've purchased together.
When they told me the news, I was shocked and saddened. I considered giving them some advice or offering to mediate the dispute.
But all I could get out was, "How much do you want for that couch?"
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Sure I'm Sober, Sure I'm SaneWhen I ran out to get some quick lunch, I asked my mother if she wanted anything from the bagel store.
You know, the bagel store that we've been to 3 or 4 times a week for the last twenty years.
She said, "Yes! Get me an everything bagel. I've never had one of those. I want to try it."
Ah, menopause.
I had nothing to do today so I agreed to watch my cousin's kids while she went to the doctor.
The two-year-old was very excited to see Batman on television, but every time the commercials came on, he screamed, "Batman! Batman! BATMAN!"
Thankfully, his mother came to get him just as the movie was ending. I was afraid I was going to have to lock him in the bathroom or tie him to a tree outside.
This morning I asked the Girl who performed the song we were listing to.
"I don't know," she said, "My ex-boyfriend made me this mix CD."
Ladies and gentlemen, when you break up with your beau, please throw out all lingerie you may have bought together, all love notes, all nude pictures, and, yes, all mix CDs he or she made for you.
That is, unless you (1) have some intention of getting back together or (2) want to make your current lover feel like complete shit.
Last night the Girl said she would take me anywhere I wanted for dinner since I'm on vacation. I chose Zip Burger on 52nd and 2nd.
Zip Burger lets you pick your meat, bun, cheese, toppings, and how the burger is cooked. I got a rare beef burger on an english muffin with swiss and smoked bacon. The burger was great and the Belgian frites (with Belgian mayonnaise) were perfectly cooked.
The only thing that went wrong was when we walked in the front door and saw six people waiting in line all wearing workout gear and iPods. I said to the Girl, "Oh NO, is this a health food joint?"
Monday, June 26, 2006
Anger is a GiftSince I couldn't be on a beach sipping an all-inclusive margarita today, I decided to take my parents out to lunch. We went to an Italian place on Staten Island called Patisserie Bruno. The panini sandwiches were great and the pastries were fantastic.
But I'll never go back. The menu listed the following ingredients for a salad dressing: "balsamic vinegar and evoo."
I just can't support the proliferation of that ridiculous acronym.
My passport expired last month. This was brought to my attention by a lovely young lady at the American Airlines desk at JFK this morning who completely prohibited me from getting on my scheduled flight to the Caribbean.
They couldn't reschedule me today. My whole vacation went down the drain because I am an idiot.
The hotel said that they could reschedule my stay but it would cost me "one hundred percent."
So I am completely broke and have 3 days off. I am certainly not going to work, which will give me ample time to figure out what to tell my bosses when they ask why I have no tan at all.
"Really good sunblock."
If you see me on the street today, please stab me in the neck.
I think the thing that I like most about the Girl is the way she kisses.
She kisses like we're having an affair.
She kisses like I'm going off to war.
She kisses like she MEANS it.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Now Why Would I Ever Stop Doing This?
I'm writing a cover letter to a firm with my resume. This is what I have so far for the middle paragraph:
I have previously sent my resume to [your firm] in January 2003, December 2003, July 2004, and December 2005. I interviewed with two offices of [your firm] in September of 2004.
I'm debating which of the following sentences best completes the paragraph:
- Although I have yet to receive an offer of employment from your firm, there can be no doubt as to my desire to work at your firm.
- Just fucking hire me already.
- You probably have 200 employees that don't want to work there as much as I do.
- Who do I have to go down on?
- If you don't hire me, I'm just going to keep sending you letters Andy Dufresne style.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Too Legit to Quit
I had my semi-annual review yesterday at work.
I didn't shave yesterday. I showed up for the review 5 minutes late and without a legal pad. I reclined in my chair during the review.
"You are a seriously bright guy," said one of my bosses, "But you have a real attitude problem. Sometimes I'm not really sure if you even want to be a lawyer."
And I thought, wow, is it that obvious?
Friday, June 23, 2006
Strong as an Ox Fresh Out the Box Last night I made an almond raspberry tart and brought it to work today. One of the secretaries said to me, "Did you make that crust? You know what I like? Those graham-cracker crusts you can buy in the store. Sometimes I eat them right out of the package."
I politely asked her to leave my office.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Let It Shine on Me
I made cookies on the second night in my new apartment. I brought most of them to work and set them out for my co-workers. Unfortunately, my secretary came in late that day and they were all gone by 9:30.
She was furious that I didn't save her one. When she stormed into my office (after calling me to tell me she was furious) I quickly hid the one cookie I had saved for myself. The second drawer of my desk was already open, so I just dropped it in there and closed the drawer.
I totally forgot about it. Just now, two days later, I found it. When the first bite tasted like shoe polish, I realized that I shouldn't store cookies next to my shoe shine kit.
But after the second and third bites, I realized that even when stored adjacent to shoe polish, my cookies are still better than any other cookies on earth.
The Thing That Separates You From Me
It's confession time: I usually donÂ’t read the comments.
Yesterday was an exception. I had some extra time last night and I read through some of them.
Are you ok?
I'm ok. Seriously. I really don't need or want advice. I am doing fine. I'm pretty happy with my life. I do stupid things to entertain myself. I know what I'm supposed to do in life, but what fun is that?
This blog is not a cry for help, it's just a hobby. Thanks for trying to help, but please keep in mind that this is intended to be an entertaining blog even if it usually fails in that respect. If you have nothing witty, snarky, or otherwise entertaining to say, please don't comment.
Learn from the good commenters, like prarie biker, pink, or G. Flasher.
Please feel free to call my sexuality into question; point out errors in grammar and punctuation; and describe sexual fantasies involving you, me, and crème anglaise.
I love the looks I get from women.
I love the "I can't believe you said that in front of my family" look.
In bars I get a lot of "You're funny, but I would never sleep with you" looks. Sometimes they turn into "Are you really still hitting on me?" looks.
But my favorite look, especially when a girl is walking into the bedroom, is the "Where are you? I just took out my contacts" look.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Well Use Me, Use Me, 'Cause You Ain't The Average Groupie
The Girl's story:
"I was upset about some personal things in my life, some of which are work related, and so I'm sorry I've been quiet lately. I made the plans to go out with my friend last week, it had nothing to do with my being quiet lately. And I dated that guy 5 years ago. We've been friends ever since. He's not really my 'ex-boyfriend.' When you invited me to your place, you said, 'Come over for some cunnilingus' and I didn't even know if you were serious."
What Fresh believes actually happened:
The Girl went out to test the waters with the ex, and realized how good she has it with me.
Now I know I may be a sucker for accepting her explanation, but since she bought her ex a housewarming present, now she has to get me a better one. I'm hoping it's her and her hot friend.
Besides, I just bought a new bed and I'd like to break it in at least once.
You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman
I've got a female roommate in my new apartment.
The great thing about having a female roommate is that if I ever have any guests over – an unlikely prospect, I admit – I can blame everything on her.
"Those scented candles? Yeah, those belong to my roommate. And so does the Neutrogena Rainbath and the bud vase. I don't know what she was thinking when she bought those decorative jars for the sugar and flour."
I guess I should get a bar of Irish Spring to leave in the shower as a cover.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
A Higher Level of Def
I just got into the elevator with a construction worker who was carrying a level that must have been six feet long.
Fresh: Wow, that's a big level.
Worker: Yeah.
Fresh: I have like, a torpedo level.
Worker: ...
Fresh: It's much smaller than that.
Worker: ...
Fresh: It still does pretty much the same thing, it's just smaller.
Worker: ...
Fresh: I mean, for some jobs I have to move it around a lot, but basically it's the same.
Worker: ...
Fresh: Have a good one.
Worker: Yeah, you too.
I Faced it All, and I Stood Tall, and Did it My Way
My brothers and I are in the middle of planning our annual backyard BBQ. Every year we invite all of our friends over, grill enormous amounts of meat, and play beer pong and flip cup in my parents' backyard.
This year, I told my younger brother that we need to hire a cook. I spent hours cooking last year and didn't get to spend enough time drinking. The BBQ has gotten bigger, and cooking for 100 people has gotten overwhelming.
My younger brother said, "I have a friend who does some catering. He may be willing to cook for us."
We sent his friend Joey an e-mail asking him to cook for us. He replied, "Sure, come by the Pork Store and we'll talk about it."
So we had to go to the Pork Store to talk to Joey. It was all arranged next to the braciole because Joey doesn't like to put things in writing. Joey is 22 years old. We shook hands and I have no doubt that he'll be on time.
As we were walking out of the Pork Store, my brother said, "It's good to see that there are still some old-school Italians left on
What Do I Do Right?
I haven't heard much from the Girl lately, but to say that she hasn't spoken to me in three days would be inaccurate. Last night she took the time to turn down another invitation to see my new apartment because she had to go buy a housewarming gift for her ex-boyfriend.
She went on to say that she can't come see my new apartment tonight because she's going to see her ex-boyfriend's new apartment. With a bottle of raspberry vodka.
He's not having a housewarming party, mind you. It's going to be just the two of them and a bottle of vodka.
I feel like I'm returning to my seat in Yankee Stadium after getting a hot dog and everyone is leaving the Stadium. I don't know what just happened, but it probably wasn't good.
Monday, June 19, 2006
This Is Not My Beautiful House
Last night after unpacking my business clothes and hanging them all in the closet, I went to bed. In the middle of the night, the closet pole broke the bracket and crashed to the floor, which woke me with a start.
I opened my eyes and had no idea where I was. Although I've experienced this feeling many times in the past, I prefer experiencing it when I'm slightly drunk and there is a young lady next to me.
I Been Bummin' Around This Old Town For Way Too Long
Last night I moved out of my parents' basement and into an apartment.
I honestly loved living with my parents, but I'm going to turn 30 in October. I can handle having a job where my bosses dislike me. I can handle dating a girl who is certain to leave me soon. I can handle being a loser who reads comic books and bakes Bundt cakes on weekends.
But I just didn't want to turn 30 in my parents' basement.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
I Bake The Cake, Then Take The Cake and Eat it Too
When I asked my grandfather what he wanted me to make him for Father's day, he asked for a Carvel ice cream cake.
The Girl said, "That's ok, I asked my dad the same question and he asked for a Costco sheet cake."
So I made my grandfather a flourless chocolate cake with a chocolate glaze.
When my Italian grandfather heard what it was, he said, "What, is it Passover?"
Yesterday the Girl said, "Hey, we have to stop by a card store."
I replied, "Why? Whose birthday is it?"
The concept of getting a card for Father's day didn't even occur to me. My dad is big on practicality and small on wasting money. Not buying him a card would only avoid (1) his yelling at me for buying a card and (2) my sitting through some awkward silence while he opens said card.
I didn't even wrap his present. This morning, I put a post-it note on a bottle of whiskey that said, "Happy Father's Day!"
Saturday, June 17, 2006
To All The Ladies In The Place With Style And GraceI've always wanted a girl to call me Big Poppa in bed.
I'm not saying I deserve it. I'm not fat. I'm not tall. I'm not rich. My fun-sized penis usually provokes stifled laughter, not awe.
I even requested this a few times. "Hey, can you just call me big poppa? It would make me happy." But girls just laugh. It's never happened.
One day.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Lights On or Lights Off, She Like It From Behind
It's time for more relationship advice from Fresh Pepper!
The answer to:
"I read an article online that said that the reason men like reverse cowgirl so much is because it's easier for them to fantasize about other women. Is that true?"
Is apparently NOT:
"Wow, that's a good idea."
Late last night I had to travel for work. I checked into a hotel and took a shower. After my shower, I was standing naked in the room watching ESPN and brushing my teeth when a rather burly man in a suit and tie inserted a key into my hotel room door and walked in.
I removed my toothbrush from my mouth and said, "Excuse me." He replied, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong room." He quickly backed out with his luggage.
Upon replaying the event in my mind this morning, I was happy with the way I handled the situation for the following reasons:
1. I was polite. I pride myself on being polite, even in quite uncomfortable circumstances.
2. I didn't curse. I've been trying to clean up my language lately, and that seems like a situation that would have had me swearing a month ago.
3. I made absolutely no attempt at all to cover any part of my body when the man saw me. I didn't even flinch. I'm not ashamed of this body. It's a moveable feast that I think everyone should see at least once in their life.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Is It Worth It? Let Me Work It
It's time for some career advice from Fresh Pepper!
When you drop off a draft of an assignment with a partner and he asks you:
"Is this going to require a lot of work from me?"
The answer is apparently NOT:
"The last one didn't require any work from you, you chose to put work into it."
Back That Thing Up
Last night after dinner, the Girl and I stopped by 7-11 for some coffee (and tea, for I am civilized). After purchasing our beverages, we sat in my Jeep and kissed a little before I started it up.
While we were kissing, I heard a loud knock. I turned to see a police officer knocking on my window. I rolled it down and he said, "I like the way you backed in to this spot. That's how a real man parks: he backs it in."
Baffled, I thanked him and he walked away.
When I turned back to the Girl, she asked, "Did that cop just interrupt our kissing to compliment you on your parking job?"
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I Just Don't Dig On Swine, That's All
My buddy Fingers took me to a bar for lunch. The bar didn't have a front door. To get into the bar, you had to walk down an alley and into an aluminum screen door on the side of a building.
As soon as we stepped in, a septuagenarian yelled to his fellow AARP member, "That's why I told you on the phone, don't forget a brick."
I knew it was going to be a good place.
They put
After taking the first bite of the burger, I was angry with myself for not having ever made a
This is How We Do
I saw my grandmother yesterday. She was proud to tell me that she tried salmon for the first time in her life this past weekend.
It's not exactly a staple in the poor Italian immigrant diet.
I was excited for her. She said she loved it. Then I asked her how she prepared it.
"I breaded it and fried it in the pan."
If you're a patent lawyer, the Patent Office sends you things with 3-month deadlines. You take the things and throw them in the back of your office for two and-a-half months. If you got something today, it would say "Response due: September 7, 2006" and you would laugh. It always seems so far off.
But of course, it isn't that far off and you will find yourself writing a response the night before.
This is why the Patent Office also lets you take extensions of time. You can take a three-month extension for around a thousand bucks. Now you're thinking, "Wow, if I take extensions, this won't be due until DECEMBER!"
But the extension is a bitch goddess. There's nothing worse than having two days to
write a response, realizing how complicated it is, and working all night on something that's been sitting in your office for six months. I'm working on something now that I received before Christmas, which is really demoralizing.
Damn you, Patent Office.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Don't You Know I'm Loco?This morning while jogging I came across a huge pile of garbage on the side of the road in a wooded area. Somebody apparently thought it was easier to unload their trash in the woods than to throw it out properly.
What disturbed me more than the litter itself was that someone had stuck a small Mexican flag into the pile of trash.
So I grabbed the flag, and realizing that I had nowhere to put it, carried it for the rest of my run.
It must have looked strange to the motorists to see some gringo running alone down the road at 6 am carrying a Mexican flag.
Monday, June 12, 2006
To Be an MC is What I Choose
I saw a truck at Target tonight with license plates that read, "PARTNER."
At first I thought it was arrogant, but then I was a little jealous. Not that the driver was a partner in whatever business -- although I tend to believe that only an attorney would be that arrogant -- but that the person was proud of their position.
I usually tell people I deal drugs or I shampoo dogs for a living before I begrudgingly admit that I'm an attorney.
Call Before You Come I Need To Shave My
Girl: So what did your friend Lips think of the sideburns?
Fresh: She really, really hated them.
Girl: Well, I'm glad you didn't cut them off.
Fresh: Why? You hate them!
Girl: Yeah, but I want you to cut them off because I hate them, not because she hates them.
Fresh: ... ?
All of my dance moves come from Notorious BIG's "Hypnotize" music video. Biggie pretty much just stands still and moves his hands a little. I like those moves. But the Girl and I have some weddings to go to this summer.
So yesterday the Girl and I took a dance class: a three-hour crash course on a few dance basics.
We started out with the foxtrot. We were good. We were laughing. We were having a good time.
But then the salsa wasn't my specialty. The Girl was frustrated with my inability to follow the simple moves we were learning.
She looked at the couple next to us and said, "They're having a good time."
I replied, "Notice how she isn't yelling at him."
At the end, I kissed her and admitted that I completely suck and will take more lessons with her. But in the meantime, I'm going back to my Biggie moves.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
CEO, You Don't Have to See IDIt's a special edition of relationship advice from the Girl:
The answer to:
"We should break up. Don't you wish you were dating a rich guy or a guy with a huge penis?"
is NOT:
"I don't want a rich guy."
I met the Girl's sister and her husband at the Yankee game yesterday. When the Girl went to the ladies' room, I asked the sister to tell me the secret to keeping the Girl happy.
"Treat her with respect. And buy her a lot of jewelry."
Ah, to quote Positive K, "I don't go that route."
Saturday, June 10, 2006
What Is Love? Baby, Don't Hurt MeLast night I took the Girl out for a night on the town on Staten Island. This meant pizza at DeNino's, the famous local pizzeria, and Italian ices at Ralph's.
At DeNino's, we were seated by the "host" pointing at a table and saying "over there." The table had a pile of paper plates with a three forks on top of the pile. Our waitress had bright pink fingernails that were a good two inches long. KTU, the local disco/dance station, played in the background.
The pizza was phenomenal, as always.
Across the street at Ralph's, Italian girls wearing a ton of gold served fantastic Italian ices. KTU played on overhead speakers; we got to hear the end of the song that started in the pizzeria across the street.
The Girl loved it all. When I asked her what she thought of Staten Island, she said, "It's a lot like Long Island, only with better pizza."
Friday, June 09, 2006
You Baby MC's Drink PedialyteYesterday I asked a first-year attorney from the opposing party to do me a favor. He declined. Then he cited the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure to me. I couldn't hold in my laughter.
I felt bad for him. I used to be a first year. I used to cite rules and speak nervously. I had forgotten how much I have learned.
Lawyers are usually surpising civil to each other. As a first year, I remember saying to my boss, "Why should we give them an extension? They get 30 days according to the rules." My boss said, "Because it's not a big deal, and we may need an extension one day. Always be friendly to the other guys, it just makes the entire case run more smoothly."
I know that first year didn't have to do me that favor yesterday. But he's going to have to deal with me every day for the next year. And I don't forget things. He's going to learn a tough lesson the hard way.
And the funniest part: he gave me his card. I could tell he was excited about it.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
You know it's going to be a long day at work when you leave home at 6:26 am and pack a dinner.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Save Tonight
It's time for more relationship advice from Fresh Pepper!
The answer to:
"Will you be mad if I spend the entire weekend visiting my friend in Boston and you don't get to spend any time with me at all?"
is apparently NOT:
"No! You should spend more time with her, she's been your friend for years. She'll be standing next to you at your wedding while I'm failing out of culinary school in Paris."
"Please stop telling people I'm from Minnesota. I'm from Michigan."
"They're right next to each other," I said. "What's the difference?"
"Hey, Pennsylvania borders New York. You wouldn't mind if I told people you were from Pennsylvania?"
"Ouch. Ok, I will try to get it right next time."
Monday, June 05, 2006
Why Blow Up Our Spot Cuz We Both Got Hot?It's great to catch up with old friends:
Thrill: Dude, your girl is hot, does she have any friends that like portly Asian men? I am totally available.
Fresh: What happened to that Jesus-loving girl you were dating?
Thrill: We're still going out. It's been a year and she's talking about marriage and shit.
I took the Girl with my buddy Fluff to see some live jazz over the weekend. I'm a huge jazz fan but it was all new to her.
Some questions she asked:
"Why does the bass player wear glasses if he has his eyes closed the entire time?"
"Where did that guy go? He's taking a break in the middle of the song?"
"What do you think the piano player is laughing at?"
And my favorite:
"Can we stay for another set?"
Sunday, June 04, 2006
I Think I Love YouI took a nap at the Girl's place yesterday. When I woke up, she was making me a BLT.
And she was applying the mayonnaise to the bread with an offset spatula.
I'm in love.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
What's My Name, Fool?I've been feeling like a pariah at work lately after getting a few lectures about falling behind on some assignments. But I decided to go to last night's big firm event anyway because I want them to know that I'm making an effort to fit into the firm.
When I showed up, my name was spelled wrong on my name tag.
Friday, June 02, 2006
The Way You Look TonightThe Girl just bought a dress for a wedding next week. The Girl is tall and slender; she has a body that is built for elegant dresses.
She tried it on for me last night. She looked amazing.
If she were a bridesmaid in this dress, you wouldn't even notice the bride.
If she walked into your wedding wearing this dress, you would reconsider -- even if you were the bride.
If you saw a picture of her in this dress, you would think it was airbrushed or fake.
If she were standing on the corner in this dress and you were driving by, you would crash.
If you were caught in a blizzard on a mountain, the thought of her in this dress would keep you warm and make you think of all of the beauty in the world.
If I had to describe to someone what the word "beautiful" meant, I would picture her in this dress.
If you were me, you would know that there was a God and that he was smiling at you for all of your good deeds.
And yet, when my gorgeous, tall Girl asked me how she looked in her long, black dress that goes all the way to the floor, the only thing I could say was, "Do you know who the Knights who say 'Ni' are?"
Thursday, June 01, 2006
 |  |
Here's what I like about Wrigley Field:
- Who needs bullpens? You can watch the relievers warm up right on the side of the field.
- As soon as a baseball goes into the ivy and doesn't pop out, the outfielder puts both hands in the air to signal a ground-rule double. Everyone in the crowd puts both hands in the air as well.
- It was the cheapest ballpark I've been to: hot dogs: $3, peanuts $3.25.
- The only beer sold at concession stands is Old Style. If you've never had Old Style, imagine drinking Olde English mixed with paint thinner.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Never AloneWhen I drove across the Northeast with my brother last weekend, it was the longest I had ever been in the car with anybody. When you spend that much time together, you have to tolerate a lot.
I tolerated:
- The smell of his pretzel and cheese Combos, purchased at nearly every rest stop.
- His hour-long explanation of the various different levels of morality and justice embodied by the various characters in the Dukes of Hazzard television show.
- My slowing down in Toledo to point out to my Jeep the birthplace of Jeep.
- Tom Wait's "Rain Dogs."
- My inability to avoid the rumble strip for more than two hours at a time.
- Willie Nelson's "The Troublemaker." Twice.
- My giving someone the finger every time I had to shift out of sixth gear.
- My slamming into a traffic cone on the passenger side of the Jeep at 70 m.p.h.
- My reading aloud of every single town name along the way.
Monday, May 29, 2006
He's The Overweight Lover
On Saturday night I baked a banana walnut bread. I've never been shy about proclaiming that my banana bread is the best on earth.
Yesterday morning, I woke up and made breakfast for the Girl: French toast using my fantastic banana bread. A little syrup, a few raspberries, and you're in heaven.
She loved it. But she had one slice and I had three.
Later in the day we went to the park to get a little sun. I didn't realize until I got home and had striped sunburn across my belly that maybe I shouldn't have had three slices.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
I Got Rules, I Can't Hit You Twice
It's time for more relationship advice from Fresh Pepper:
The answer to:
"Why can't you be nice to me?"
is NOT:
"Because I already had sex with you today."
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Go To Sleep Little Baby |  |
Today I fell asleep after I put my Linzertorte in the oven. Thankfully, my dad
woke me up in time to get it out just a little overcooked and not totally devastated.
My spice-rubbed chicken with pineapple, radish, yellow pepper, and cilantro salsa came out perfectly at dinner.
And here's the great thing about bringing the Linzertorte to my grandmother tomorrow: she'll love it. You think she's going to compare it to other Linzertortes she's had recently? She hasn't been out of the house in months. I love shut-ins.
You know you're in the suburbs when you have this conversation:
"It's 9:30. Where can we go to get some coffee and dessert?"
"Let's go to Barnes & Noble, I hate Starbucks."
Friday, May 26, 2006
Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?
Fresh: My friend said that you must really like me to start dating me after finding out how little we had in common on the first date.
The Girl: Maybe your friend doesn't know that I was depressed and on the rebound when we met.
[sounds of Fresh's heart rupturing]
I picked up my friend Lips last night at her house. She also lives with her parents.
She's my only friend left on Staten Island. Her family is old-school Italian: they
argue in Italian.
Her father came out of the house as she was getting in my Jeep. He was ostensibly
taking out the garbage in his pizzeria t-shirt and shorts. He glared at me with his best Tony Soprano face.
Without saying anything, he dropped the bag at the curb and turned around to walk back into his house.
The back of his T-shirt said in big letters, "NO SLICES."
Thursday, May 25, 2006
And This Bird You Cannot ChangeIt's time for more relationship advice from Fresh Pepper!
The answer to:
"Do we have any plans for the Fourth of July?"
is apparently NOT:
"You think we'll still be dating on the Fourth of July?"
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Shock the House for the Young Ladies
I saw a posting last week on Craig's List for an apartment near where I work. The person seeking a roommate was a lady in her twenties. I wrote her the following e-mail:
I am interested in the apartment. I will make a good roommate.
I like to clean. That faint blue color that
I am neat. I like horizontal surfaces untarnished by clutter. I am so neat most people I work with think I'm gay.
I bake frequently. You will be forced to try French desserts and you will be asked questions such as, "Do you think this needs more framboise?"
She didn't write back yet.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Nigga, Ask About MeThe new guy at work is really nice.
He keeps asking me for advice. At first, I enthusiastically provided answers to his questions. But he kept coming back.
So this morning I said to him, "Look, I know you're new here so I'm going to clue you in: I'm not exactly succeeding at this place. The bosses here hate me and kind of want me to quit. You shouldn't really be asking me for advice on how to do your work. But if you want advice on how to find other peoples' really disturbing porn collection on the shared network drive, I can show you."
Monday, May 22, 2006
Seems Like It's Been Forever Since You've Been Gone
I just got back from my "five ballparks in five days" trip. We hit the Bronx,
Here are some of my favorite quotes from the trip:
"Yeah, but it would be nice if we could get a real baseball team in here."
"Hey, BITCH, don't just walk by me when I call you, I'm trying to tell you I'm a Yankee fan too!"
"Just don't move and tell me what you're doing here."
Sandusky, OH: Fourteen year-old girl in front of me in line for the Millennium Force, a huge roller coaster in Cedar Point, after I yelled at the people on the adjacent ride to tell them that they were on a "lame ride":
"SHUT UP, that's like my favorite ride."
"Actually, I was hoping it's a shortcut to the exit."
"Dude, they're the Mudhens."
"Hey, my uncle died in a war for this country, I can do whatever I want."
"Hey, I missed you. Can we watch the Yankee game?"